Changing

"...I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that."

The Language of Nature

Watching people fly over my head, I sit on the edge of the world. 

I have been granted a spiritual gift, to learn the Language of Nature.

To see what cannot be seen, I must change the way I see.

I will be able to fly over my spiritual web and view the lives of those I'm connected too, to see what can't be seen.

I will guide them on their spiritual journey through this iteration of life.

Next steps...?  Learn to read.

It's All About Perspective

You must change the way you see things, to see what can't be seen.  A single wide mobile home in a run down park may not be the mansion of your dreams.  Compare that to a cardboard box for a roof and suddenly that little mobile home is much more appealing.  I look at the blemishes on my face and see ugliness.  I look at a little girl covered in 3rd degree acid burns from an 'honor attack', smiling through the bandages, and see nothing but beauty and courage.  Why?  Perspective. 

I must change my thoughts to change my mind, to change my perspective, to change my intentions, to change my actions, to change my life, to change my world.  Someone recently told me I have a victim mentality.  Though I argued against it, it pricked me, like a verbal slap across my heart.  How often have I used excuses, blame and faulted others for my own life, actions and feelings?  I must understand that no one can make me feel anything.  I control my feelings.  I control my thoughts.  I control my life.  I choose my future.  I am living this moment because of the choices I made and path I walked to get here.

We're told to look at the world through the eyes of a child to see the beauty.  What if we tried to look at our own world through the eyes of someone with much less than us, to see what we truly have?  To find true gratitude, and recognize my blessings, I need to help those who need a hand.  I have needed help before and it's time to return the favor.   

           

Just Because

Just because you are smarter, taller, prettier, richer, shorter, younger, older, wiser, dumber, poorer, or whatever doesn't mean you are better than the person sitting next to you in this life. We are all on the same tiny piece of rock floating through the vastness of space. Let's try for a minute to be kind, be gentle and be forgiving of those around us. We are fragile. Is that so much to ask?

Welcome Autumn!

I love the Fall, especially Fall in the South. What a gorgeous time of year! The trees explode with fountains of color. Fallen leaves begin to cover the ground, ready to be crunched with each step. The weather turns cool and brisk, getting ready for apple cider and pumpkin pies! Everything seems to be calming down, preparing to nestle in as Winter watches from the horizon. I am so grateful to be in this beautiful part of the country and enjoy the changing seasons around me.

Spoon Fed vs. Hunting

I was recently asked by someone to prove to them that God exists. It upset me and caused me to ponder. Not because they didn't believe in God, but because they were lazy. Emotionally and spiritually lazy. My relationship with God has been formed over many years, many searches and prayers, with much effort on my part. It is based on subtle and not so subtle experience after experience. I cannot give someone my proof that God exists, as I cannot hand my experience to another person. I also have experience in handling frustrated stock brokers and tantrum throwing 2-years olds (similar in their own ways but that is a different story). I cannot give that experience away either, so why would someone think that I can offer them my proof that God exists? It is arrogance and laziness that prompts such a demand. 'Show me a sign that I may believe", but I won't go searching for those signs and experiences myself. Just laziness and pride, in my opinion.

I heard on the radio that a man with an opinion will never convince a man with an experience. You can have the opinion that a bright red stove top is not hot, but my experience tells me that it is and you will never convince me otherwise. If I have learned something to be true for myself, your opinion will not change what I already know. Especially if it is not something you have experienced yourself, whether by choice or chance.

Now if two people go through the same experience side-by-side and come out with different viewpoints and memories from that experience, I can understand differing of opinions. In that case, they have both seen, felt or walked the same path and, because of our nature, would learn different lessons and see things differently. That makes sense to me. When someone chooses not have the experience then demands that I convince them that I actually had my experience, it bothers me. They are too lazy to try themselves, and want me to spoon feed what I learned to them. They are too lazy or scared or whatever to hunt for meat themselves. Makes me feel sorry for someone who doesn't search for knowledge and truth, but may very well believe whatever is told to them. If I can put it in their hand and convince them it is true, they will believe whatever I tell them, instead of finding out for themselves.

If there is one things that I've learned in this life, is that my senses can and will deceive me. What things appear to be on the outside, in not always what they truly are on the inside. I have to learn and search and find out the truth for myself. I'm grateful for my hungry spirit that seeks and will not be quenched. It is what drives me closer to my God and closer to myself.

Quote for the Day

There are two kinds of secrets,

secrets we hide from others

and secrets we hide from ourselves.

-Frank Warren

Patience

My patience is running so thin recently. I just want to take people by the shoulders and viciously shake them screaming "Stop being an idiot and figure it out yourself. You're not a child!!" So I take a deep breath and listen to some waves and try to go to my happy place. Then my phone rings or an email pops up and I'm back in reality.

Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, or the 4 new kittens, or the never-ending doctor's appointments, or planning the wedding, or the 50 hour work weeks, or the 80 mile commute, or the OB appointments, or J always being on the road, or the fatigue, or the stress, or the bills, or the nausea, or the incessant questions for answers they already know if they would take one second and use their own brains instead of picking at mine (and my phone rings with one right now!), or the nightmares, or the self-doubt of can I really do this what the hell am I thinking, or the metallic taste that been in my mouth for weeks, or worrying why do I randomly pass out and what if it happens while I'm driving, or the overwhelming workload, or the thunderstorms, or the two downed trees in my yard, or the huge pile of brush that keeps growing and needs to be burned, or the kitchen floor that's not quite right, or my squeaking serpentine belt, or shaking tire, or expired warranty...or perhaps this is just life and I should be grateful I'm surviving as well as I am. Thanks for the vent, it's freeing.

Something Positive

After fighting some sort of sinus/respriratory infection this past week, I decided I need some positivity in my life, before heading back to bed again.

Things I'm Grateful For:

1. A warm bed to sleep in
2. Food to eat
3. A man who loves me and takes extra good care of me when I'm not feeling so hot
4. A job with paid sick days
5. White Christmases
6. The snowman in my front yard
7. A dog who always seems to pick me
8. NyQuil
9. Clean air
10. Good night kisses

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...(again).

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Apricot Trees

Sweet blossoms filled with skittering bees cover the apricot trees in my grandfather’s backyard orchard. Many times have we played Pirates, Cops & Robbers, Hide & Seek, Tag or whatever game a young mind can create on the spur of the moment. What a fantastic world can be created and enjoyed running amongst nectar heavy air and deep green grass.

Looking back on those carefree days, I wonder where that free spirit has gone. Is she somewhere inside of me? Does she come out to play as I frolic with my dogs in my new backyard? I hope to renew that sweet spirit, so full of hope and ambition. Far away from the weary realities of this heavy life.

There is spectacular beauty in each day, from the simple perfect leaf to cotton candy clouds of an afternoon thunderstorm. May we each envelope the wondrous world around and seek to find that inner child inside us all.

Yeah, Um, Ok.

The world is full of splashy billboards and cleverly marketed circus peanuts.
Even with my Phantom necklace and bedazzled Vicki's pants, I'm feeling a bit blah today.
Perhaps too much yard work and not enough sushi could be causing my case of the Monday's, but I have more on my mind than manual labor and raw fish.
My teeth are moving south and, unfortunately, so is my butt. I'm glad for one, not so much the other.
The amount of work on my desk is outwaying any idea of running tourist around Boston. But... If my laptop won't cooperate, I may have no choice but to act like some Chinese national, proudly wearing my trolley sticker and snapping pics like a non-pro.
That reminds me, I need to get my car inspected so I can be legal again and not worry about being arrested in DC. Not the worst place to get arrested, I assure you.
One day I plan to organize a small bedroom into my own little arts and crafts studio. Oh, a girl can dream.
Just when you think things have disappeared for good, they show up again in photo's you forgot about. Please keep me away from AquaNet.
The phone rings, the email dings, the paper weighs, the drop-ins stay, the issues grow, the powers know, the money slims, the bills spill.

Thinks I'm Thoughting About

I look around me at the nutshell lives of those in my immediate area and see chaos, order, stress, diets, fires, vacations, children, planets and studying. I wonder what others see when they put my life in a nutshell?

I've been researching and reading about meditation techniques and have taken miniature baby steps in reducing the stress in my life and in my mind. (check this out)

I add the 'in my mind' because the creation of stress is purely psychological. Yes it does manifest itself in physical form, like my tight shoulders and headaches, but it is not a tangible thing you can hold in your hand. We create stress in our minds and allow it to cause us physical pain. I wonder why we do that? Is it some inherent masochistic desire or a genetic demand that allows us to understand the weight an importance of daily life occurrences? Either way, my shoulders are still sore and I'm tired of eating Tylenol for breakfast!

As I work toward reducing stress in my life and mind, I've come to realize that meditation may be a possible solution. From Biblical recommendations; "Meditate upon my Word" to historic and cultural significance of Gandhi and the Maharishi, to classrooms in Detroit with 20 minute meditation breaks, I feel this road not taken may be the one I would like to walk.

The main issue I have been facing in my recent attempts is my severe inability to quiet my mind. One of the goals of meditation is to empty your mind of all cluttered thoughts and allow higher connections to be made. I struggle with the emptying and quieting. It's like telling me to 'just go to sleep'. How? How do you turn your brain off? How do you stop thinking? That is what I am striving to learn and practice. I do not think this will be a quick or easy thing to learn. But I do look forward to the experience.

Here's to quiet minds and greater levels of peace and understanding :o)

Of Course

Why is the sun so sunny,

the moon so moony?

Why do the stars twinkle in the starry sky?

Why is the wind so windy,

the cold so cold?

Why is the silence so silent?

The heat, so hot it burns.

How is the air so airy,

the breeze so breezy?

What keeps the streams, streaming?

The waves, waving?

The tides turning?

Who made the trees so tall,

their green so green?

Who taught the birds their song,

the crickets their crick?

Who built the mountains so mighty,

the canyons so deep?

Who made me, Me?

God, of course.

What Home Means to Me

Past the paint and trim, beyond the appliances and countertops lies a peace and comfort that can only come from one little word, Home. That small word concocts whirling images of weeknight family dinners, crazy holiday gatherings, messy bedrooms and the smell of cookies baking. It's a word I never really understood, but desperately wanted. Home was something far away for me, not ever my current living situation.

Having moved a running total of 24 times in my lifetime, I have experience with living situations. From tiny apartments to converted basements and friends couches, I've been there and done that. I've learned that 'house' does not equal 'Home'. House is temporary, with no real emotion or comfort connected to it. Since I've only lived in few actual stick-built houses, I never had the chance to connect to any of them. I have that chance now.

For you Harry Potter fans, remember in the first book or movie when Harry stood before the mirror that showed the deepest desire of his heart? He saw his family that he had never known. Ron Weasley saw himself as the most successful of his brothers. I've pondered on that mirror many times. I've wondered what it would show me. What is the deepest desire of my heart? Certainly not fame or wealth as I disdain both, so what could it be? Did I want a large family, like Harry? Did I want success, as Ron did? What would I see if I looked at the deepest desire of my heart?

It wasn't until I knelt in the empty living room of our little white country home, asking God to bless our home, that I finally realized what that deep desire had been. A Home. A real home full of comfort, love and matching furniture. A place I could be proud to invite my friends over to and show off. A place I could put my feet up and relax. A place I looked forward to dusting and wiping, sweeping and mopping and enjoying the shine of clean. A place we could raise a family and grow together. A place I never had to leave, never had to pack up and drive away from. A place where I feel safe and secure and, finally, feel like I'm home.

As a child I would always draw pictures of my image of Home. A crayon drawing of a two story house with a steep pitched roof and three windows, 1 up & 2 down. A large tree with a swing and a hose extending into a kids pool in the yard. I live in that drawing now, I just need some kids in the pool! I understand why I always drew the same picture, it was the deepest desire of my heart, I just didn't know it yet. To have a real home and share it with my family. Loud and messy, or calm and quite, it doesn't matter as long as it's home.

Years ago, my mother had a keychain that read "Home is where you hang your keys." I now have a place for my keys. And yes, Mom, I kept that keychain. It has a special place in my heart, and in my home.

Who Woulda Thunk It?

Having spent the last few days in a mental funk and wasted far too many minutes deciphering my meager finances, I am led to recall that I am incredibly powerless and what should happen will in fact happen whether I help it along or not. More often than not, my helping is actually a hinderance, and God has to kick me to the curb and smack me around a bit to make the best thing happen in my life. Not to say that God is a mean bully who pushes folks around. It's just that I am very stubborn and pig-headed and don't deal very well when things don't go my way. He has to be a bit more forceful with me than some of the other kids.

He does work miracles and my life is coming together nicely, as it would have it, without my intervention. He is giving me the house I love, the man I love and the job I love. Not too shabby.

Just a Thought

She sits on my lap and pretends to read with me. What do her eyes see?

PostSecret

I was inspired by the saying on a PostSecret postcard today. It gave me hope when my heart is heavy.

Spring is coming, and we will make it.

Don't Ask Me Out For Lunch. I'm Paying Off My Credit Cards

I have finally sat down and created an interactive budget for myself. It's something I have dabbled with for years, but never actually completed. Now that I'm more Excel savvy, I created a three tab spreadsheet with my monthly budget, which paycheck pays which bills and my debt snowball schedule. It's already helping me tremendously, just by thinking "What category is this going to go in?" before I spend money. The fact that my happy little spreadsheet will hold me accountable for my debit card and ATM relationships has kept me in line this month. I've also been able to pay over $1000 towards my debt snowball!

If "Debt Snowball" is a term you are unfamiliar with, it works like this:

• Write down each and every debt you owe, outside of home expenses and utilities. Mine include 2 credit cards, a time-share and my car.
• Break down highest to lowest balance, interest rates, monthly payments.
• For me, my highest interest rate was also my lowest balance so I chose to pay that off first (we'll call it Debt 1).
• I pay the minimum payment on my remaining three debts and all discretionary cash on Debt 1 (this is over and above the minimum payment).
• Once Debt 1 is paid off, I roll my entire Debt 1 payment plus the minimum payment for Debt 2 to pay off Debt 2. And so on and so on until all debts are paid off.
• Once I am debt free, I will begin building my emergency fund. 3-6 months of expenses. Without my debt payments, my monthly expenses are pretty low.
• I will also max out my 401K and fully fund my Roth IRA.

My goal for 2010 is to pay off my two credit cards, time-share and most of my car. The car won't be fully paid off until halfway thru 2011, but I'll be in a much better financial situation before then.

So don't ask me out to lunch. I'm paying off my credit cards.

Jesus is the Reason for the Season!

As we bustle about driving here and driving there, buying this and buying that, let us remember the real reason for this joyous season. Celebration of the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. Whenever his actual birthday may be, this is when we celebrate God's greatest gift to Man. His chosen Son, the Saviour of the world.

No matter who you are or what you've done, Jesus loves you and will stand with you through all your life. You do not need to be alone. He is always there with open arms, full of love and forgiveness. What joy it is to know that I have been forgiven and start each day as a new person.

I am so thankful to my Saviour for choosing to come to this Earth to live and die for me. If I were the only person on the Earth, He still would have come for me. As we visit with family and tear into our presents, remember that God gave us our most precious gift, his precious Son.
Merry Christmas to all!