Changing

"...I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that."

The Language of Nature

Watching people fly over my head, I sit on the edge of the world. 

I have been granted a spiritual gift, to learn the Language of Nature.

To see what cannot be seen, I must change the way I see.

I will be able to fly over my spiritual web and view the lives of those I'm connected too, to see what can't be seen.

I will guide them on their spiritual journey through this iteration of life.

Next steps...?  Learn to read.

It's All About Perspective

You must change the way you see things, to see what can't be seen.  A single wide mobile home in a run down park may not be the mansion of your dreams.  Compare that to a cardboard box for a roof and suddenly that little mobile home is much more appealing.  I look at the blemishes on my face and see ugliness.  I look at a little girl covered in 3rd degree acid burns from an 'honor attack', smiling through the bandages, and see nothing but beauty and courage.  Why?  Perspective. 

I must change my thoughts to change my mind, to change my perspective, to change my intentions, to change my actions, to change my life, to change my world.  Someone recently told me I have a victim mentality.  Though I argued against it, it pricked me, like a verbal slap across my heart.  How often have I used excuses, blame and faulted others for my own life, actions and feelings?  I must understand that no one can make me feel anything.  I control my feelings.  I control my thoughts.  I control my life.  I choose my future.  I am living this moment because of the choices I made and path I walked to get here.

We're told to look at the world through the eyes of a child to see the beauty.  What if we tried to look at our own world through the eyes of someone with much less than us, to see what we truly have?  To find true gratitude, and recognize my blessings, I need to help those who need a hand.  I have needed help before and it's time to return the favor.   

           

Just Because

Just because you are smarter, taller, prettier, richer, shorter, younger, older, wiser, dumber, poorer, or whatever doesn't mean you are better than the person sitting next to you in this life. We are all on the same tiny piece of rock floating through the vastness of space. Let's try for a minute to be kind, be gentle and be forgiving of those around us. We are fragile. Is that so much to ask?

Spoon Fed vs. Hunting

I was recently asked by someone to prove to them that God exists. It upset me and caused me to ponder. Not because they didn't believe in God, but because they were lazy. Emotionally and spiritually lazy. My relationship with God has been formed over many years, many searches and prayers, with much effort on my part. It is based on subtle and not so subtle experience after experience. I cannot give someone my proof that God exists, as I cannot hand my experience to another person. I also have experience in handling frustrated stock brokers and tantrum throwing 2-years olds (similar in their own ways but that is a different story). I cannot give that experience away either, so why would someone think that I can offer them my proof that God exists? It is arrogance and laziness that prompts such a demand. 'Show me a sign that I may believe", but I won't go searching for those signs and experiences myself. Just laziness and pride, in my opinion.

I heard on the radio that a man with an opinion will never convince a man with an experience. You can have the opinion that a bright red stove top is not hot, but my experience tells me that it is and you will never convince me otherwise. If I have learned something to be true for myself, your opinion will not change what I already know. Especially if it is not something you have experienced yourself, whether by choice or chance.

Now if two people go through the same experience side-by-side and come out with different viewpoints and memories from that experience, I can understand differing of opinions. In that case, they have both seen, felt or walked the same path and, because of our nature, would learn different lessons and see things differently. That makes sense to me. When someone chooses not have the experience then demands that I convince them that I actually had my experience, it bothers me. They are too lazy to try themselves, and want me to spoon feed what I learned to them. They are too lazy or scared or whatever to hunt for meat themselves. Makes me feel sorry for someone who doesn't search for knowledge and truth, but may very well believe whatever is told to them. If I can put it in their hand and convince them it is true, they will believe whatever I tell them, instead of finding out for themselves.

If there is one things that I've learned in this life, is that my senses can and will deceive me. What things appear to be on the outside, in not always what they truly are on the inside. I have to learn and search and find out the truth for myself. I'm grateful for my hungry spirit that seeks and will not be quenched. It is what drives me closer to my God and closer to myself.

Quote for the Day

There are two kinds of secrets,

secrets we hide from others

and secrets we hide from ourselves.

-Frank Warren

Patience

My patience is running so thin recently. I just want to take people by the shoulders and viciously shake them screaming "Stop being an idiot and figure it out yourself. You're not a child!!" So I take a deep breath and listen to some waves and try to go to my happy place. Then my phone rings or an email pops up and I'm back in reality.

Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, or the 4 new kittens, or the never-ending doctor's appointments, or planning the wedding, or the 50 hour work weeks, or the 80 mile commute, or the OB appointments, or J always being on the road, or the fatigue, or the stress, or the bills, or the nausea, or the incessant questions for answers they already know if they would take one second and use their own brains instead of picking at mine (and my phone rings with one right now!), or the nightmares, or the self-doubt of can I really do this what the hell am I thinking, or the metallic taste that been in my mouth for weeks, or worrying why do I randomly pass out and what if it happens while I'm driving, or the overwhelming workload, or the thunderstorms, or the two downed trees in my yard, or the huge pile of brush that keeps growing and needs to be burned, or the kitchen floor that's not quite right, or my squeaking serpentine belt, or shaking tire, or expired warranty...or perhaps this is just life and I should be grateful I'm surviving as well as I am. Thanks for the vent, it's freeing.

Really!?

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our ga.."bright" apparel, WHAT!?!
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,
But not before we change the words to fit our current overwhelming politically correct facism
Fa la la la la, la la la la.


I hate Tolerance.

Thinks I'm Thoughting About

I look around me at the nutshell lives of those in my immediate area and see chaos, order, stress, diets, fires, vacations, children, planets and studying. I wonder what others see when they put my life in a nutshell?

I've been researching and reading about meditation techniques and have taken miniature baby steps in reducing the stress in my life and in my mind. (check this out)

I add the 'in my mind' because the creation of stress is purely psychological. Yes it does manifest itself in physical form, like my tight shoulders and headaches, but it is not a tangible thing you can hold in your hand. We create stress in our minds and allow it to cause us physical pain. I wonder why we do that? Is it some inherent masochistic desire or a genetic demand that allows us to understand the weight an importance of daily life occurrences? Either way, my shoulders are still sore and I'm tired of eating Tylenol for breakfast!

As I work toward reducing stress in my life and mind, I've come to realize that meditation may be a possible solution. From Biblical recommendations; "Meditate upon my Word" to historic and cultural significance of Gandhi and the Maharishi, to classrooms in Detroit with 20 minute meditation breaks, I feel this road not taken may be the one I would like to walk.

The main issue I have been facing in my recent attempts is my severe inability to quiet my mind. One of the goals of meditation is to empty your mind of all cluttered thoughts and allow higher connections to be made. I struggle with the emptying and quieting. It's like telling me to 'just go to sleep'. How? How do you turn your brain off? How do you stop thinking? That is what I am striving to learn and practice. I do not think this will be a quick or easy thing to learn. But I do look forward to the experience.

Here's to quiet minds and greater levels of peace and understanding :o)

Questions I Will Probably Never Know the Answer To

..At Least Not in This Life.

1. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
2. Why are there no 'B' batteries? Were they bad and sent away to the battery refugee camp, never to be heard from again?
3. Why are yawns contagious? Sometimes just thinking about yawning makes me yawn..like right now.
4. I live in a neat and clean 1 bedroom apartment and do my own laundry. Where the @&*! do my missing socks go?!?
5. Why does 'sour' cream have an expiration date? It's already gone bad!
6. Why do we hiccup? Cuz they suck.
7. Why are cute women's shoes always so painful to wear? I think they are designed by men as a way to keep women in bondage.
8. Has anyone ever got the skinny white ceramic dog that's always in the Wheel of Fortune prize showcase? It's been 15 years! Obviously no one wants the damn thing, give it to Goodwill!
9. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I'll never know because as soon as I taste the Toostie Roll center, I throw it away.
10. How is baseball 'America's pastime' when more people watch NASCAR?
11. Where do all my pens go? They must be hanging out with my missing socks and lost B batteries.

Those Moments

There are those moments in life when you think, where do I go from here? What are my next steps? So many plans and hopes, wants and dreams run together to create a mishmash map of life. Though money does not drive me, it does grant a certain level of freedom. Each step is interconnected with the next, and last. Without at least some semblence of a plan we meander through this world, listing with the wind and social demands. I have such great ideas and wonderful desires for the future, but tomorrow stands in front of me. Stalwart and sure. It will appear whether I want it or not. What steps do I need to take to accomplish my wishes? Where do I go from here?

The Size of a Soul

How to measure the size of one's soul? It is measured by inches and feet, or ounces and pounds? Perhaps one can be measured by its acts, kind or cruel. Who would believe you if you were to tell them the weight of your soul? If it were at all possible to quantify our spirits, would that put a value on them?

If valued, then able to be bartered? If bartered, then marketed? If marketed, then increased demand for greater souls? With increased demand comes increased supply. Imagine of glut of souls available on the secondary market. What happens when the supply of a product far outpaces its demand? The value of that product shrinks, easy to get anywhere. No one wants it anymore. Unwanted souls, discarded and ignored.

No. Our souls are not weighted, nor are they measured. Each is priceless beyond recognition. We should not lose them so easily when another has sacrificed all for our right to keep them.

What Matters Most

-By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine and your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine and your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray you own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, everyday and if you can source your own life from it's presence.

I want to know if y0u can live with failure, your and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me whom you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

I doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I eat cereal for dinner.

Sometimes I use baby oil instead of lotion.

Sometimes I stay at work until 10 o'clock because it's better than going home.

Sometimes I wonder if other people are thinking about me too.

Sometimes I hope for the best, and wish I could prepare for the worst. I'm not so good at that last part.

Sometimes I crave Ramen noodles.

Sometimes I miss people so bad it hurts.

Sometimes I wish my cat would just find a place to sit and stay there.

Sometimes I wonder what I will do with all the toys in my cube.

Sometimes I wish I was a full time student on a full-ride scholarship, and could just learn for a living.

Sometimes I think I deserve better. Sometimes not.

The Cry of the Meadowlark or Nightingale

Heavenletter # 2812 Published on: August 6, 2008

Whatever another does, no matter how it may seem to impact you, it is their privilege to do as they see to do. You may feel that someone has let you down. Beloveds, when you feel that way, you have let yourself down. Did you take on what someone else chooses to do as though it were your own responsibility? Did you make a portion of your life dependent upon what someone else chooses when all of your life is dependent upon you? Better to not make or allow anyone else to be the sayer of how you react in your life or any portion of it.

People like to accommodate you, yet they are not going to make their choices dependent upon what you want and feel is right, even when they may have said they would follow through. Brides and grooms have been left at the altar. You have been left waiting on the street corner by someone who did not show up, even when you were the one ready to do a favor. People are going to follow their own stars and also even their own whims.

Here is an opportunity for you to gain this famous equanimity you have so wanted, beloveds — to be at that place where you are not so bolstered or so desolate by what others choose to do or not to do at any given moment. Wholeheartedly accept the upliftment others may give you but never be deflated by what they do not give or change their minds about. Otherwise, you are a bouncing ball in someone else's hand. Beloveds, it is for you to make your own way in the world independent of what others choose to do. It is their right. Be your own star that shines and leads you to your destination.

When you ride a train, and the train should happen to break down, that is not the end of your travels. It is not a tragedy. So when a friend does not show up at an appointed time, it may be an inconvenience for you, yet it is not a tragedy. It is not really even an offense, even though you are sure it is.

Be glad to be with someone, and do not mind so when the person is no longer there. He heard his own distant cry of the meadowlark or nightingale, and he went his own way irrespective of you. He may respect you very much and yet not feel beholden to you or what he may have previously said or promised. He may have meant it. Once it was true for him, but now it is not. He cannot go back to the past, nor are you to make him. All contracts are dissolved. There are those who may resolve former contracts with what you call honor and some who will resolve without. Some do not even remember what the agreement was. In any case, the only agreement that matters is the one on your plate right now.

Do you see what I am asking you to do? I am asking you to not be dismayed by others' choices. Right or wrong, they are right to make their own choices however you may feel about them. You are not to lead your life according to others' views and desires, nor are they to live their lives according to your views and desires. Even when you are right by everything you know, it is still their right to choose. Do you see how, when you free others from bounds, you free yourself? Beloveds, no matter how seemingly innocent, bounds are a form of tyranny. You are not meant to be a tyrant. You are meant to be a pharaoh who lets his people go.

http://www.heavenletters.org/the-cry-of-the-meadowlark-or-nightingale.html

The Sheet Set Cult Mystery

In my quest for the perfect fitted sheet and pillowcases, I encountered a startling mystery. You cannot purchase a lone fitted sheet! Why, you ask? Because the fitted sheet makers of the world have decided in their world domineering committee's, that a person has no reason to buy a lone fitted sheet. Hence, we a forced to purchase an entire sheet set including: 1 fitted sheet, 1 flat sheet, 2 pillowcases.

To many this is not a problem at all, as they use the entire set. I am not one of these sheep, following the Sheet Set Cult blindly. I do not use the flat sheet. It has no purpose in my life. I have very nice, ultrasoft sable-like blankets against my skin when I cuddle into bed. Not a cold flat sheet. Why would I want cold sheet on both sides of me? I already have cold fitted sheet on the mattress side, I should not be forced to have cold flat sheet on the other side as well. This is a free country! If I choose to sleep with ultrasoft blanket, or sheepskin or burlap against my skin, that is my choice dagnabbit!!

Yet the Sheet Set Cult demands that I purchase their flat sheet. Why would I buy something I have no use for? I am a very thrifty person and choose not to spend my money on things that are useless to me. Why, oh, why can I not buy a lone fitted sheet?

Where did this Sheet Set conspiracy come from? Cotton farmers to drive up demand? Textile companies to increase production? Retailers to grow their bottom-line? It's a global conspiracy, I tell you! Well, I for one will not be duped by the Sheet Set Cult. I will not pay for a flat sheet that will sit folded and unused on my shelf, gathering dust and using up valuable space. I will not! I will Not! I will NOT!

If anyone knows how to obtain a new single fitted sheet, please share this revelation with me. In the meantime, I will be continuing my search for the perfect lone fitted sheet. Hi-ho Silver! Away!

Stand Back Up

Words stolen from Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got
I'm laid out on the floor
But I've been here before

I may stumble, yeah I might fall
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way
But hear me when I say

I will stand back up
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough
Sometimes I'm afraid
And I don't feel that tough
But I'll stand back up

I've been beaten up and bruised
I've been kicked right off my shoes
Been down on my knees
More times than you'd believe

When the darkness tries to get me
There's a light that just won't let me
It might take my pride
And my tears may fill my eyes
But I'll stand back up

I've weathered all these storms
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly
What don't kill you makes you stronger
When I take my last breath
That's when I'll just give up

So go ahead to take your best shot
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got
You might win this round
But you can't keep me down

'Cause I'll stand back up
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough

But I'll stand back up.

Pour 'em out

The time I spend doing nothing is more rewarding than the time I spend doing something.

I can't stop thinking.

Yellow is a great color for a bathroom, bad for a kitchen.

I would rather have flowers.

You must think I am so selfish. I am.

I use my past as an excuse for my behavior.

I eat popcorn and candy 1 piece at a time.

If I had to choose, I would rather have a spoon than a fork.

They say pointing is rude. I do it all the time.

Who are "They" and why do I care what they say?

I wish I was a better photographer.

I wish I would actually do all the things I wish I did.

I broke it.

It won't ever be the same.

I'm scared of change.

Books sit unread on my shelves, mocking me.

I think the books I have read make fun of the ones I haven't.

God told me something once, now I'm scared to ask.

I could knit you a hat.

When I hear about friends and their babies, my heart breaks.

The wind sings to me.

I wish I was a cat, that's the life!

I pretend to be happy for you, but I'm really not.

I feel more comfortable in a poolhall than in most other places.

Once I didn't have anything else to repent of. It didn't last.

I really would be ok with less, as long as I knew it would be there everyday.

My dad made me a little wooden truck. It makes me smile everytime I see it.

I want to trust Him, but I'm scared of what He'll tell me next.

Someday I will meet them. What am I going to say?

Going to church makes me feel guilty for all the things I'm not doing.

The power went out. Made me wonder if we could make it without it.

I want to see a psychic, just to see if they're for real.

His picture makes me feel courageous.

I miss Oreo.

I'm scared to call and ask about medicine.

What if it doesn't fix anything? Then what?

I'm glad we finally have a kitchen table.

3 Yahtzee's? Are you kidding me!?!

The sculpture of Psyche reminded me of me.

We pay to talk to her, but I think she's kinda batty.

I play Boggle by myself.

I know I'm smarter.

We hang pictures way too high because that's where the leftover nails are.

Lost is getting way too far out there.

Sometimes I wish I did watch TV.

When I feel like misbehaving I read PostSecret, and know I'm not alone.

I keep the picture from your failed marriage as a reminder to me of too fast choices.

And because my hair looks great.

I think God is punishing me.

I don't think there is a cure for cancer.

God lets bad things happen so we can appreciate the good.

Without the bad how would we ever know?

I wish I knew my grandfather better.

When you told me that you had lied to me, I was relieved because of all the lies I've told you.

I say I've forgiven myself, but I don't really know what that means.

I cried when Dale died.

How can a Prophet be voted for?

I remember the mustard on your face and laugh.

I pretend to be tough to hide how vulnerable I really am.

Something happened after we moved there. I blocked it out and won't let myself remember.

Why is it ok that it hurts?

My kitties wait for me to go to bed.

Your rules don't apply to me.

What's in a Word?

ENDURE

1. to hold out against; sustain without impairment or yielding; undergo
2. to bear without resistance or with patience; tolerate
3. to admit of; allow; bear
4. to continue to exist; last
5. to support adverse force or influence of any kind; suffer without yielding; suffer patiently
6. to have or gain continued or lasting acknowledgment or recognition, as of worth, merit or greatness

1. To carry on through, despite hardships; undergo
2. To bear with tolerance
3. To continue in existence; last
4. To suffer patiently without yielding

1. put up with something or somebody unpleasant
2. face and withstand with courage
3. continue to live through hardship or adversity
4. undergo or be subjected to
5. last and be usable
6. persist for a specified period of time
7. continue to exist

D&C 24: 8

Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.

Vocabulary

Some words are beautiful to say, as long as you have no comprehension of their meaning. Melancholy is an elaborate word. Succumbing another. Overwhelming is one. Antagonist glides. Ennui slides. Despondency fits. As does spiralling. Others I think sound eloquent that I dare not type here for the protection of my precious readers sensitive eyes and worrisome consciouses.
With all the medical, neurological and pharmacological terms bantered about these days, how is one as uneducated as I to muddle through the cornfield maze of symptoms, diagnosis and treatments? Do I really trust an HMO paid 800 number Freud to do what they say they are supposed to do? What about these mountains of miraculous/adversarial mind candy marketed in such colorful packaging? Have you read the side effects of these things? Dear God, worse than what they are supposed to fix.
Is that really the solution at all? Is there one?

This does not apply to me. Maybe tomorrow.