Monday Meetings

It's Monday.  A Monday with 4 meetings on my calendar.  4 one-hour long meetings.  That's half of my day spent listening to someone else talk at me.  Why is this a good way to spend my workday?  Oh yeah, because I'm still getting paid to sit here and listen to someone talk at me.  The current meeting is about productivity.  I'm enjoying the irony.

What do you call a hooker in a wheelchair?

Roll-Aids!   

Who, Where, Why?

If you can tell me who lived here, where this house is and why it's SOOOO famous, I will give you a dollar!

Awesome

Up to Speed

For my 1 1/2 readers, here are some updates to get you up to speed on my life.

• I'm Married! J. and I got married in May. My grandfather walked me down the aisle!




• I'm Pregnant! It's a GIRL!! Our daughter, Nora Ashton, is due on 11/9/11. If I can push my knees together for two days she'll arrive on 11/11/11. Wouldn't that be an awesome birthday!?




• Our mastiff Ben died :,o( He was 11 years old and we buried him in the backyard. Random facts: He and I shared the same birthday. He as adopted by our cat, Minnie Mouse. Ben's mom was also named Minnie Mouse, but we didn't know that at the time we named the cat. We think the cat was Ben's mom, reincarnated to be with him in his last days.




• The cat, Minnie Mouse, whom we also call Momma Cat, is on her second set of kittens. J. brought her home after being abandonded at one of his rental properties, and she was pregnant immediately after arriving. I meant to get her fixed after her first litter, but everthing crazy happened with J. and before we knew it, she was fat again. As of today, we have 8 cats at our house. That is ridiculous. Want a cute grey and white kitten? I have plenty to share.




• J. is past his bout with MRSA, a terrifying and eye-opening experience I tell you. If you think something is bug bite, but it doesn't itch, please don't ignore it. It could put you in the hospital or worse.




• Strange pregnancy cravings: mustard, fried chicken, sliced tomatoes with rice vinegar, cookies at 3am, Golden Delicious apples, carbs of any kind, fruit of any kind.




• Got rear-ended by a teenage boy playing with his iPod. We are fine, car is the shop as I type.




• That's about it for now.

T-Shirt of the Day

Did you see they are coming out with a new Spider-Man movie already? The Tobey Maguire ones aren't even old yet. Hollywood really is running out of ideas, hence Cowboys and Aliens.

If all the animals along the equator...

If all the animals along the equator were capable of flattery, then Thanksgiving and Halloween will fall on the same day.

I'm going to wear flip-flops to my wedding. Yup!

Just because I can, and I have them, I will be posting a ton of old pics of family and friends on Facebook. Why not?

Name calling breaks my heart.

I'm so excited about the new landscaping we are having planted! I hope it will be as beautiful as I imagine.

Wedding at our house has gone from 25 or so people to around 70. Yikers! I don't even know that many people!

Need to put a little more effort into my work ethic. I've been a slacker lately.

The new slate on our screened-in porch is looking fabulous! Next step, grout.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Haven't posted any shoes in a while. Must change that!

Patience

My patience is running so thin recently. I just want to take people by the shoulders and viciously shake them screaming "Stop being an idiot and figure it out yourself. You're not a child!!" So I take a deep breath and listen to some waves and try to go to my happy place. Then my phone rings or an email pops up and I'm back in reality.

Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, or the 4 new kittens, or the never-ending doctor's appointments, or planning the wedding, or the 50 hour work weeks, or the 80 mile commute, or the OB appointments, or J always being on the road, or the fatigue, or the stress, or the bills, or the nausea, or the incessant questions for answers they already know if they would take one second and use their own brains instead of picking at mine (and my phone rings with one right now!), or the nightmares, or the self-doubt of can I really do this what the hell am I thinking, or the metallic taste that been in my mouth for weeks, or worrying why do I randomly pass out and what if it happens while I'm driving, or the overwhelming workload, or the thunderstorms, or the two downed trees in my yard, or the huge pile of brush that keeps growing and needs to be burned, or the kitchen floor that's not quite right, or my squeaking serpentine belt, or shaking tire, or expired warranty...or perhaps this is just life and I should be grateful I'm surviving as well as I am. Thanks for the vent, it's freeing.

Me Too!!!

Google says...

Every few years, and completely for entertainment purposes, I will search the words 'Emily is' in Google and see what I am.

Here are some excerpts from a story titled "EMILY is a Robot Lifeguard That Floats", with my comments in red. Enjoy!

We’d like to introduce you to EMILY, but as you can see from the image below, she’s not all that attractive (in a non-robot sort of way). Hey!! WTH! Watch it Bud!

EMILY isn’t the name of the next supermodel-turned-lifeguard. Damn! I was so looking forward to my future as the next Pamela Anderson.

...as you might suspect, EMILY’s job is only to save lives. I'm a superhero!

Thanks to the designers, EMILY will be fully self-operational soon enough. When she is, she’ll be no longer tethered to her operators, but instead will utilize sonar technology! Apparently "self-operational" means that I'll be able to talk to whales! Another super-power for the list!

Once EMILY finds someone she needs to save, she can make her way over to them at a top speed of 28 mph. Not quite faster than a speeding bullet, but not too shabby.

The designers intend to have the fully realized version of EMILY ready to go next year, and intend to sell it for somewhere in the ballpark of $3,500. That's it!? That's all I'm worth in this world!? Not even a firm $3500, just in the ballpark. Recession, I tell you!

We have no idea what she may look like, but obviously the developers (and EMILY) do, so that’s good. Glad to hear that someone knows what I look like. I'd hate to be another faceless robot lifeguard. They all look the same to me!

Yeah, Um, Ok.

The world is full of splashy billboards and cleverly marketed circus peanuts.
Even with my Phantom necklace and bedazzled Vicki's pants, I'm feeling a bit blah today.
Perhaps too much yard work and not enough sushi could be causing my case of the Monday's, but I have more on my mind than manual labor and raw fish.
My teeth are moving south and, unfortunately, so is my butt. I'm glad for one, not so much the other.
The amount of work on my desk is outwaying any idea of running tourist around Boston. But... If my laptop won't cooperate, I may have no choice but to act like some Chinese national, proudly wearing my trolley sticker and snapping pics like a non-pro.
That reminds me, I need to get my car inspected so I can be legal again and not worry about being arrested in DC. Not the worst place to get arrested, I assure you.
One day I plan to organize a small bedroom into my own little arts and crafts studio. Oh, a girl can dream.
Just when you think things have disappeared for good, they show up again in photo's you forgot about. Please keep me away from AquaNet.
The phone rings, the email dings, the paper weighs, the drop-ins stay, the issues grow, the powers know, the money slims, the bills spill.

Random Thought of the Day

When you get excited about fancy paperclips, you know your day is pretty boring.

One Smart Squirrrel

My father used to say; "There are old squirrels and there are dumb squirrels, but there are no old, dumb squirrels."

Today, I saw a mighty smart squirrel. He ran up the telephone pole on one side of the street, tightroped across the street on the powerline, and came down the pole on the far side. Never once was he in danger of steelbelted death by speeding rubber. Here's a toast to a long life for one smart squirrel.

Updates for a Wednesday

• May have found "The Dress", now just have to find who designed it. Easier said than done.
• House we want has come down $10k in price. Wahoo!!
• Going to my first bridal show on Saturday. Might make it more real for me.
• My new office is pretty stinking cool!!
• Realizing how much I miss old friends. Need to keep in better contact, if I can.
• New project at work. Love to start things from scratch and figure them out as I go along.

Just a Thought

She sits on my lap and pretends to read with me. What do her eyes see?

ToDoToDoToDoToDo...

1. Set a Date
2. Plan Our Wedding
3. Buy a Dress
4. Reserve Reception Location
5. Get House Loan Started
6. Get Downpayment in Place
7. Flowers
8. Caterer
9. Music
10. Decorate Office
11. Convince Mom to come here and make my cake
12. Get Dress Alterations
13. Limo?
14. Invitations
15. Decorations
16. Guest List
17. Work
18. Sleep
19. Eat
20. Fall in Love All Over Again!

Questions I Will Probably Never Know the Answer To

..At Least Not in This Life.

1. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
2. Why are there no 'B' batteries? Were they bad and sent away to the battery refugee camp, never to be heard from again?
3. Why are yawns contagious? Sometimes just thinking about yawning makes me yawn..like right now.
4. I live in a neat and clean 1 bedroom apartment and do my own laundry. Where the @&*! do my missing socks go?!?
5. Why does 'sour' cream have an expiration date? It's already gone bad!
6. Why do we hiccup? Cuz they suck.
7. Why are cute women's shoes always so painful to wear? I think they are designed by men as a way to keep women in bondage.
8. Has anyone ever got the skinny white ceramic dog that's always in the Wheel of Fortune prize showcase? It's been 15 years! Obviously no one wants the damn thing, give it to Goodwill!
9. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I'll never know because as soon as I taste the Toostie Roll center, I throw it away.
10. How is baseball 'America's pastime' when more people watch NASCAR?
11. Where do all my pens go? They must be hanging out with my missing socks and lost B batteries.

Caution: May contain traces of drool...

www.engrish.com

My new favorite website!

Those Moments

There are those moments in life when you think, where do I go from here? What are my next steps? So many plans and hopes, wants and dreams run together to create a mishmash map of life. Though money does not drive me, it does grant a certain level of freedom. Each step is interconnected with the next, and last. Without at least some semblence of a plan we meander through this world, listing with the wind and social demands. I have such great ideas and wonderful desires for the future, but tomorrow stands in front of me. Stalwart and sure. It will appear whether I want it or not. What steps do I need to take to accomplish my wishes? Where do I go from here?

He really is!

2-Line Rhymes

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2.I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other-
- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.