New Shoes!!

Nordstom Rack is my new favorite store. I got 2, count them 2, new pairs of shoes in less than 20 minutes, one is pictures above. It was miraclulous! Any man who has ever been tortured by their woman and brought shoe shopping understands how miracluous it is for a woman to find 2 pairs of shoes in ANY store, nontheless, 2 pairs in 1 store in 20 minutes. My husband was speechless. I did try on about 20 pairs of shoes before I found my 2 new friends. He couldn't understand why it's so hard for women to buy shoes. I tried to explain to him that shoe makers are men. They do not comprehend how much pain is involved with actually wearing the shoes they design for women. I told him that shoe makers make me suffer by designing painful shoes, therefore, I must pass on the suffering to him, a man, by taking him with me shopping to suffer along with me. (This exchange made a another female shopper laugh in understanding).
The other miraculous thing about my amazing shoe discovery today, the above shoes are on my Amazon Wish List, but are currently unavailable. Unavailable no more, they are in my house now safe and snug. Today is a good day!


Insights for the New Year

Or, What I learned in 2006 that will help me in 2007...

  • Dry Cleaning is not a good business to get into. Ever.

  • Sushi is a wonderful invention.

  • I resolve to always try something before I decide whether I like it or not. Knowledge is power!

  • Blogging is a great outlet for creativity, venting and randomness

  • High heels are not impractical. Height is a good thing.

  • I resolve to learn to walk smoother in heels.

  • Working out is worth it. I like my butt the way it is.

  • I resolve to work out at least twice a week, every week.

  • Sleeping too much is not good.

  • Money does not grow on trees, and credit is hard earned. Both deserve greater respect and discipline.

  • My job is a blessing.

  • I resolve to work more efficiently and thoroughly at my job.

  • A testimony is a living thing and needs constant care and renewal to stay strong.

  • I resolve to work on my testimony in some way every day, ie. praying, reading my Scriptures, serving another, sharing what I have.

  • Paying off debt not only helps the credit score, it lowers the weight on my shoulders.

  • I resolve to make a personal effort to pay off my debt more quickly.

  • Mucking about in the past is about as effective as mucking about in anything else. All you get is covered in muck. Move on.

  • Reverse psychology works on husbands, just as well as it works on teenagers. I just need to convince my husband that I don't want he half wall completed or flooring in any form.

  • By telling someone "Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help." before they actually do what you want, is a GUARANTEE that it will get done.

  • Education is important. No matter what.

  • I resolve to complete all my assignments and school tasks on time and with extra effort.

  • Organize every needful thing. Get your house in order.

  • I resolve to Sort, Purge and Organize my home and all belongings room by room.

  • Learning new skills; such as cooking, fixing things, budgeting, software programs, sewing and patience will benefit me throughout my life.

  • Spending time, money and effort on yourself is not selfish, it is survival.

  • Open an online Savings account with a decent interest rate and have at least $100 a paycheck direct depositted into it, and 1/2 of all bonuses and extra money you receive throughout the year. Increase the deposit amount if you get a raise or payoff a credit card.

  • Develop a hobby you enjoy and can benefit others. I learned to knit and bead this year and gave away my creations as presents. People LOVE handmade items. They mean so much more.

  • Forgive everyone for eveything. This includes yourself. We have enough baggage, don't carry around extra.

  • Smile at strangers and see if you can make them laugh.

  • Always say Please, Thank You and Excuse Me.

  • Remember that everyone you see is a child of God and has chosen to follow the Saviour at least once. They deserve your respect. So do you.

  • Tell people what a great job they're doing, that you appreciate them and they deserve a raise. When you can, tell their boss how helpful they were. We can all use accolades and encouragement.

  • Leave BIG tips. Don't be cheap.

  • The beach is a wonderful place to walk and talk to God outloud.

  • Pay attention to your dreams, God speaks to you when you sleep.

  • When you say your prayers, listen at the end. That's when He answers you.

  • Be willing to volunteer and serve whenever you are asked. Life is too hard to not help when you can. Someday you will need help too.

  • Only you can make you happy. No one else will ever be able to do it for you.

  • Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Deeply.

Pickles and Peanuts

Clausen Mini Dills and Brachs Circus Peanuts are probably my two oddest and most favorite snack foods. I also love to snack Cheez-its, tortillas, grapes and Poore Brothers Habenero Chips. We will be having a Game Night-Bring Your Favorite Snack Food New Years Eve Party. I will be bringing mini-dills and circus peanuts, then toasting with Martinelli's Ah, I love game-nights!

Educate Yourself


Bora Bora Chapter 2


Chapter 2

Red and orange swaths streaked the sky as the blazing sun set over the Pacific. Travelling west meant that they flew directly into the sunset, Jade had never seen the sun set for so long. It felt like hours that she watched the colors change and dance as the blue ocean slipped quietly beneath them. The effect left her speechless and in awe of the beautiful world that had been created for her. Created for all of us.

The flight from LAX to Papeete had been routine and uneventful, except for the dramatic light show God put on outside. As the wheels touched down, she felt her heart jerk. Landings always worried her, almost as much as takeoffs. But she could relax now, she was in Tahiti. Exiting the plane onto the tarmac, she looked for the main gate to find directions for her island transfer to Bora Bora. She also, casually and non-chalantly, looked for the ballcap. Was someone meeting him at the airport? Surely, he did not travel all this way to go on vacation alone.

She saw the sign for Island Transfers and walked to the Customs gate. Getting through Customs was not as bad as she had feared, and the new stamp on her previously virgin passport made her smile. She was now officially a world traveler! Lugging her two bags and backpack through the small concourse to the waiting van, Jade vowed to learn to pack more efficiently for her future trips. She was going to become a pro at this if it killed her. The driver helped her with her bags and she copped a seat by the window. Four other tourists, both couples, were already seated.

The air was sultry and her light silk shirt and linen capri's clung to her moist skin. She didn't worry, she would be spending the next week in the cool blue water and lying on the sand in her new string bikini. Oh! Her friends will be so jealous of her tan when she gets home. Jade wondered if there was a place on the small island for her to go sans bikini and avoid those pesky tan lines.

She closed her eyes and saw herself lying nude on a white sand shore. Out of the cool, clear water came the tall, dark stranger. He still wore his ballcap, but nothing else. He stood over her for a moment, dripping the cool water on her hot skin. She laughed and pretended to pull away as he knelt in the sand, kissing her soft belly. His hand made his way up her thigh and the van driver asked if everyone would put on their seatbelts. What?

Rudely awakened from her short-lived fantasy, Jade opened her eyes and almost died. The tall, dark and handsome stranger in the ballcap was sitting in front of her on the van. He was leaning against the window facing inward in his seat toward the aisle. He smiled at her as she looked up. Blood burst into her cheeks as she choked on her words. She had just been thinking of this man naked, and here he sits right in front of her. He didn't need to be a mind-reader to see the embarrassment on her face. The questioning look he gave her spoke volumes.

"Long time, no see", he said playfully, nodding and smiling. His white teeth gleamed behind his deep red lips. "Yeah", was the smartest response she could muster, as she wished she could crawl into a hole and die! He had no idea of her lustful thoughts, yet her face and necked burned in humiliation as if she had spoken her fantasy directly to him.

What was wrong with her?! She had fantasized about other men before. She had talked dirty to more than one. And yet, this man made her feel like a schoolgirl. She pushed the image of a short plaid skirt and white thigh-highs out of her mind. Just in case he could read it. Casual, Jade. Cool, calm and collected. Pull yourself together woman! She drug her consciousness back and forced herself to calm down and relax. She counted to ten as she breathed in slowly, held it for the count of five and let it out with a slow count back down to 1. She opened her eyes to see him watching her.

"Does that lamaze stuff really work?" he asked. She laughed.

"It's not lamaze, silly." she said. "That's for when you have a baby. It's yoga breathing. And yes it does work, very nicely." Jade smiled warmly at his naive attempt at stimulating conversation.

"Oh, yoga, right. Not lamaze. I'll have to learn that. The yoga I mean, not the lamaze" He added coyly, "Maybe you could teach me."

His left eyebrow raised as he winked at her, and she swooned. She actually swooned. She didn't know she could do that, or even what swooning was until that moment. But that is the only word to describe the vertigo-like feeling of imbalance and lust that overtook her at his wink. She would have taken him right there on the vinyl seats of this tourist van if she could have. Not allowing her fantasies to grow again, Jade smiled knowingly and turned to her left to watch the Tahitian town pass by.

Tricking My Pen

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic

Tenth Grade brought MANY new experiences to me. I learned that you cannot trick your pen. What on earth am I talking about, you ask? As I sat in class, English class I believe, writing an essay, my mind began to wander. My wandering mind is not a new thing, but today my mind had some additional help in it's wandering. Some chemical help.

My mind wandered to the pen help tightly in my right hand. How did all the letters on my page fit into such a small pen. Were the letters like those expando dinosaur toys I played with as a kid? The ones you put in water and they grow 50x their original size? Did the letters expand once they hit the air and the paper? If they did expand once in contact with air, then that meant the letters were all packed inside my pen waiting to come out. But how did they know when to come out? Could my pen read my mind!?

That must be it! My pen could read my mind and knew what letter I was going to write next. What a smart pen! But how smart was it really? Could I trick my pen into writing a letter that I was not thinking? I had to know.

I decided to experiment (with so many things hahaha) focus, focus. I decided to experiment with my pen and test it. How smart is my pen? Can it read my mind? I began to think of the letter "e".
e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e eeeeeeee
then quickly wrote a "g". I did write a "g". My pen was not tricked. How can this be? Perhaps the letters were too similar. Perhaps I was not concentrating enough. I thought of another letter and quickly wrote a different letter on my paper. Foiled again!

I continued different experiments in tricking my pen, thinking of words and letters and numbers in insequential order, writing something as I think of something different. To no avail. The pen is truly mightier.

A strange ringing sound filled my ears. Movement to my left and right. What is going on? Oh no. The bell rang. I'm at school, in class. I have to turn in this piece of paper. Oh dear! I stare in fear the the scribbled mess in front of me. The top of the page shows three well constructed paragraphs of essay quality writing. Somewhere in the middle of the fourth paragraph, the chemicals took over and my pen drew all my attention.
Not only had I been thinking the above thoughts, I had been writing them down. Uh-oh.

When your mind is not your own, you do not think of cause and effect. You do not realize that your actions have any effect on anything else in the world. You are in your own world and nothing touches you, and you touch nothing else. If you put a full glass on the edge of a table, you will not realize that pushing it will make the glass fall and spill. Cause and effect do not exist.

Today I did not understand that if I gave my piece of paper to my teacher that they would read it. I did not understand that my paper was written proof of my extracuricular activities. I did not understand anything past the moment. I gave my paper to the teacher, with a blank stare and no expectation of anything. For why on earth would I need anything from anyone? I am my own, although my pen is smarter than I. I will think of this for many hours later, store it away for now.

The next day. The chemicals have worn off. I have to go to English class. Oh no. As I timidly sit down, awaiting the call to the principal's office, my teacher passes back the essays from yesterday. As she puts my sad scribbled piece of paper on my chair/desk, I see red ink. red ink is never a good sign (though I am not proposing we switch to purple ink to spare children's delicate sensibilities. Do you think the stock market gives a hoot about their sensibilities?! Hell NO!!!) What!?

I hold the piece of paper in my hands and read my doom.

"Good start but you lost me at the end".

Was this a joke? You lost me at the end!?!?! Are you @&$^_@!% kidding me?! Here I am screaming for help "I'M ON DRUGS!!!!" and all I get is "You lost me at the end". Real @&$!@&% observant public educator.

This is the reason my children will be going to private schools if I have to be homeless to pay for it!!


Candy Dish Conundrum

I am the employee with the obligatory candy dish on her desk. The original purpose of this offering was to entice my new coworkers to come visit me in cubie land, and get to know me as more than just an e-mail auto-signature. My plan worked out nicely, at first.

People came to talk to me and ate my candy. People came to see me and ate my candy. People grabbed some candy as they walked by and said hi. People ate all my gum when I was away from my desk. People started making requests for certain types of candy. People got upset when I did not have their favorite kind of candy. People told me I was on notice when I have not had their favorite candy for some time. PMS'ing women cursed me for not having chocolate at their beck and call. People come into my office, rifle through my candy dish, don't find what they want, and leave in a huff. (Did you notice how I got promoted from cubie to office in there, NICE!)

I've decided that my Christmas Spirit needs to rub off on my candy dish. I will get a nice assortment of candy, including chocolate, and make sure I have a smile on my face whenever someone comes to visit me. It really is a blessing to have my amazing job and I need to be more grateful for it and the wonderful people I work with. Merry Christmas!

Bored Out of My Freaking Skull!

My mind is so very bored inside my skull that it decided to wander around and find somethig much more interesting to do today. Perhaps the lunchroom is exciting. The bathroom? Maybe the hallway has something to offer.

The day after Christmas. Why am I here? I could be typing this useless blog at home. But if I were at home, I would not be typing a useless blog. I would be cleaning my house, or sleeping, or playing with my cats, of watching my hubby play his new Final Fantasy XII, or trying to convince said hubby to go outside and play Boche Ball with me, or sleeping or eating or going shopping to spend my gift cards. I SO want a breadmaker! Hey, that's what I can do. I have a gift card to Amazon, I can buy a breadmaker. Maybe I should wait 1 week for the people who got breadmakers for Christmas to sell them. So I still have nothing to do. I can't believe I'm getting paid right now.

What I got for Christmas

HP Laptop for school

Awesome Solitaire Board! I love Rocks!

Kodak EasyShare camera
(hubby has taken about 48 more pictures than me so far)



I'm going to start making T-Shirts with random comments and pictures on them, and send them to people as gifts, maybe even sell them.

1. Men. You can't live with 'em and you can only shoot 'em with a piantball gun.

2. Life's short. Eat dessert first.

3. Look! Elvis!

4. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Choose Wisely.

5. SPAM!

6. Nerdical!

7. Monkeyhead

8. You ate that like it was Cool!

9. Random Slightly Humorous Comment

10. Whip Me, Beat Me, Eat Me *picture of egg*

11. Ya Wanna? ;o)

12. Eden Eyes

13. SHOES!

14. Mushrooms are fun

15. Rules are for School

16. My friend started an online business and all I got was this dumb t-shirt

17. Mmmm! Donuts!

18. S'Mores! The other white meat.

19. Vapid

20. I think I need a time-out

21. Batteries Included

22. There is no spoon

23. Slinky! Slinky!

24. It's a jump to the left, then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips, bring your knees in tight.

25. Wanna play doctor?

26. I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV.

27. Gotcha!

28. You fake orgasm like I fake snoring.

29. Pick a card, any card.

30. Bond, James Bond

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
"My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile."
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother...
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?"
"It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget."
"To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled."
"Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Just Bragging Now

Some things for me to brag about today:

1. I got a FAT bonus yesterday and an even FATTER raise for next year! I love my job!!

2. My new Gap Long and Lean jeans make me look smokin' hot!

3. The Clementine tangerines from my dwarf tree are sweet like sugar. It only took 4 years for them to grow, not bad!!

4.I got a new laptop AND fancy-pants digital camera for Christmas from my wonderful hubby!

5. The Dry-Cleaners if almost gone!

6. I'll have a short day on Friday and Tuesday!

7. It's Christmas on Monday!!

8. My boss just asked me for my home address for someone else, which means that I will be getting a present in the mail!!!

9. We got $75 worth of Best Buy gift cards from our mortgage broker yesterday, so I got a new mouse for my laptop!

10. I was able to share my testimony with my oldest friend and help her out this Christmas.

11. I have a much better understanding of the importance of Christmas and the reason we celebrate this time of year.

12. I know that my husband loves me, and enjoy spending time with him.

13. Our Christmas tree is so cute this year.

14. We got the Hallmark Cool Year 2006 and Grinch ornaments, the last ones they had. Keeping the tradition going!

15. My husband actually told me what he wants for Christmas!!

16. I was able to send a new pair of jeans (too tight for my booty) and homemade scarves and a hat to my sister for Christmas!

17. Miss Darci made homemade fudge for everyone today! Yumm!

18. I just decided to start putting random comments on T-Shirts and sending them to people for presents.



Started my first day of school yesterday through the University of Phoenix online courses. Today I turned in my first assignments. GO ME!!!! I am particularly looking forward to my Persuasive Writing class. I am already a pretty persuasive person, on the phone for sure and in person I never fail! Persuasiveness can also turn in manipulation, which I unfortunately lean toward when it comes to men. I am working on that one though.
I have been told that I have a smile to melt a man's heart and that I smell like a cookie, what more could you possibly need?
Focus, Emily, focus. School.
I am working toward my Business Management degree for various reasons. I feel that I have topped out my salary range in the corporate world by just having my high school diploma. In order to increase my status at work, increase my career opportunities and increase my paycheck, I need that silly piece of paper that says I can do the job I am probably already better at doing that the person who is doing it now. My current position is also filled my two people who have thier MBA's! As far as I can tell, our salaries are commenserate (sp?) (sp, what the hell am I doing, this is my freaking blog who cares if I spell a vocab word right. damn OCD!!)


Good Things That Happened Today....................................................

  1. Free Breakfast of good fruit and somewhat good breakfast burrito.
  2. E-mail from Ang with funny Christmas comics.
  3. Free Lunch with recruiter at Harry's (lemon grilled swordfish, yum!)
  4. $200 in cash Christmas gift from recuriter!!!
  5. Good Hair Day!
  6. Husband going camping with Scouts tonite, will get to sleep in the middle of the bed. Score!
  7. Talked to Mary today.
  8. Had nice dream with hot guy this morning and remembered it after I woke up!
  9. Free chocolates by the printer!
  10. Got a rep cleared who had been waiting 7 days.
  11. Didn't have to panic and push any other reps through on the last day.
  12. Reminded by a rep of why I left Smith Barney and am much happier now.
  13. Darci got her apartment!
  14. Added a new Garfield christmas card to my growing collection.
  15. Woke up late, took shower, dried my hair, picked out cute outfit, sat in traffic and still got to work on-time!
  16. Leaving work early! I'm outta here!
  17. Started weekend early (see #16 :o)


Quotes from people whom you trust your money with......................

Can I run my business out of an internet cafe?

How do you add columns to an Excel spreadsheet?

Why doesn't my laptop work at home? Do I need the internet or something?

I just can't set up a hotmail account. I can't do what you're asking me to do. I just can't do it.

I don't allow my clients to e-mail me. They invested before the internet.

What's an icon?

I don't have any ink for my fingerprint cards, can I get some at Staples?

*Printed and overnighted to me an e-mail attachment that I sent to him.*

Chemical Need for Unrequited Love

Norepinephrine, Dopamine, Seratonin, Insulin, Epinephrine, Adrenaline.

All of these chemicals run around in our brains every day and create emotions, reactions and states of mind. Some we can partially control, most we cannot. Some can be partially controlled by pharmacology, diet or practices such as yoga and other relaxative techniques. The vast majority of chemical reactions in our brain are out of our control and beyond our understanding.

What is the chemical reaction involved in new love? And why do some have an addiction to it? I do not assume in any way that I am a scientist and undertstand the chemicals at all. But I do understand, or am trying to, why I need new infatuations on a regular basis. I get bored so very easily, and having a new love/lust/flirtation/fantasy creates that sense of euphoria and pleasure I crave. This sense is created by Dopamine and Epinephrine in my brain. My heart starts to pound, temperature raises and my hands get clammy if I talk to or fantasize about my new love. This reaction is created by Adrenaline and Insulin. I get distracted from what I'm supposed to be doing and focus on this new interest. Distraction is caused by Norepinephrine and Seratonin.

My brain craves this mixture of chemicals like a junkie seeking their next fix. I seek out objects of my desire everywhere I go; on the freeway, at the grocery store, walking in the mall. Even while I'm standing next to my husband, I still attempt to portray a sex object so I can believe I am wanted by other men (and women) around me. As soon as I find a fixation for my attention, the chemicals begin their exhilarating run around my brain and I get my fix for the minute.

"Oh, God, I know no joy as great as a moment of rushing into a new love, no ecstasy like that of a new love. I swim in the sky; I float; my body is full of flowers, flowers with fingers giving me acute, acute caresses, sparks, jewels, quivers of joy, dizziness, such dizziness. Music inside of one, drunkenness. Only closing the eyes and remembering, and the hunger, the hunger for more, more, the great hunger, the voracious hunger, and thirst." -Anais Nin


I'm a famous resort in Cyprus. Check me out!!


Cutest Bubble Bath EVER!!!

Bora Bora Chapter 1

Bora Bora
Chapter 1

Airports are always great for people-watching. The international terminal of Los Angeles International Airport has by far the best assortment of human eye candy, of both the sweet and sour kinds. A sea of colors and sounds wrapped around her mind. Languages she neither understood nor recognized. Clothes showed tradition on the older generation while electronic gadgets were the religion of the younger crowd.

Jade recognized him from the San Diego Padres ballcap he wore. It wasn't everyday you see a tall, dark and handsome man showing support for her favorite baseball team. Okay, maybe you could see that everyday in San Diego, but something else struck her about him. Was it his eyes? So dark and deep she felt like she could sink right in and not find her way back. Had she seen him before? Possibly, they seemed to live in the same town.

She had seen him in the San Diego airport, and now that same ballcap sat a few rows in front of her in LAX. He better be careful, this was Dodgers turf. Jade was on her way to meet her sister and her sisters fiance' in Bora Bora. Just the sound of it was exotic. Her world traveling experience was pretty limited to a trip to Chicago and another to New York. A week in Savannah was as far and as long as she'd spent away from home, so Bora Bora for 6 days, 7 nights was a dream come true.

She tried to pay attention to her book as she waited for the flight to be announced, but she kept peeking over the top to check out the ballcap. What was it about this random stranger that had her so curious, and a bit tingly? Giving up on her book, she watched the next stream of passengers slip past her. Thanking God she had no children to travel with she watched in silent horror as a travel weary, jet lagged couple drug their equally worn children through the terminal. The older boy was loudly complaining about walking and sitting and standing and walking some more. The young girl hung limp in her fathers arms, crying that pitiful 'I'm too tired to fall asleep and can't do anything but cry'. For that minute, she was grateful to be single.

She was grateful again when the tall, dark and handsome ballcap stood to stretch and make his way past her as he searched for a soft drink. His eyes found their way to hers and a little curl to his lips told her that he had looked for her, and knew she had watched him. Interesting. She wondered where he was going when the announcement for her flight came over the speakers. "Air Tahiti flight 713 to Papeete, Tahiti. Now boarding at gate 12."

Bora Bora! An eight and a half hour flight, then an island transfer and she would be in paradise. Jade had no idea what the local time would be when she got there, and she didn't care. She hadn't bothered to bring a watch. She could always check with the hotel if she had the strange desire to know the time, but she knew that she would never ask. Time will stop while she lies on the white sand and lets the small waves lick at her toes. She can almost smell the ocean as she hands her ticket to the flight attendant. Stepping onto the ramp, her heart starts to race. She's almost there.

As Jade arranged her carry-on and grabbed a pillow for the long flight, a Padres ballcap made it's way down the aisle. She failed miserably at hiding her surprised smile when she recognized him and saw those deep dark eyes. He was going to Tahiti too?! Maybe this trip would be more exciting than she thought.

You Take My Breath Away

You Take My Breath Away

Rain danced down the window panes as lightening threw the foyer into view below her. The house was dark when the storm held back it's electric fury. She pressed her hips against the railing. She knew he was in the house. Six feet to her left, the top step stood waiting for her to make a break for it. Through the front door, down the porch steps and another 200 acres to the next ranch house. He would hear her and give chase, she would never make it that way.
Six feet to her right the door to the Master bedroom was ajar, beckoning her in. She knew she could make it through the bedroom, out the glass doors, over the balcony and down the trellis to escape. It would take longer, but be quieter.
She had to make a decision, waiting would be fatal. Unsure if she had heard the stairs squeak once or twice, she didn't know if he was upstairs or down. The lightning flashed again and her jaw dropped as a new shadow fell over her. He was behind her.
She chanced a glance to the left. The stairs were her only choice now. Could she make it? She felt his heat and his weight as he stepped directly behind her. She was pinned against the railing. He had her. She was done for. His hot breath hit her bare shoulder and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. By sheer raw will, she forced herself to remain still even as chills ran down her spine.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him raise his right hand and bring it toward her throat. What would he do to her? The fear took her over. As his hand closed around her windpipe, he pressed her hard against the railing. No where to go, no where to hide. Her eyes fluttered as her breath caught. His free hand made it's way up her thigh and under the thin cotton dress. Her mind wandered in a breathless dream as she arched her back against him.
She loved this game.


And Yet

Why I know I shouldn't trust you...

And yet...

I do.


Dream Jobs?

Someone once asked me what my dream job is. My dream job is to be a Park Ranger in the National Parks. I would love to work in; Joshua Tree during the winter so I can rock climb on my days off, Yosemite in the spring when the waterfalls run full and the valley and meadows are in bloom, Yellowstone in the summer to time Old Faithful and hike for days on end, the Great Smokey Mountains in the fall to see the array of golden colors and hike the Appalachian trail. When I told my friend I would love to be a Park Ranger she asked simply, "Why aren't you?" I was dumbfounded. Why wasn't I?
Do I think I don't have the training or experience necessary? Do I think that since I work in the financial industry, that I can't do something completely different? What if I find out I can't become a Park Ranger for one reason or another? Would that ruin my dream and therefore I would rather do nothing than find out my dream can't come true? What if I'm given a chance and fail miserably? Would I rather just keep my dream and not risk losing it?
All of these questions and so many more lead back to one answer, fear. I fear that which I do not know. Sometimes I rage against the things I fear the most.
I am afraid of heights. I know it is completely in my head and that I must get over it, so I rock climb. Hanging from a carabiner on a 10 millimeter rope off the side of a sheer cliff certainly gives you a perspective on what is important and what really matters. My life literally hangs in the balance.
I am afraid of the dark. When I was 8 years old I watched the original Nightmare on Elm Street. It does not seem so scary now, but it was terrifying when it first came out and doubley more for an 8 year old. I was determined not to fall asleep, though being awake in the dark scared me even more. I could not go to the bathroom without opening the shower curtain the entire way first. Today, I force my self not to run towards my bed when I switched off the light, and I don't turn on the light or pull back the curtain when I use the bathroom in the middle of the night. There have been times when I get a chill down my neck, but I stand fast and don't let my mind take me away.
I have overcome these two fears to the best of my ability. Why do I fear success? Or is it failure that scares me now? Do I think they won't accept me because I'm not a college graduate? Is that what I use as my excuse, or do I say reason? I have looked into the requirements to become a Park Ranger and I could meet them. I can do anything, if I only I choose to.
So, why don't I? What is holding me back? My husband? No, he would support me in anything I choose to do. Then it must be me. Why do I hold myself back? Fear to step out of my comfort zone with my comfortable paycheck and home, to unknown terrain? As a hiker and a backpacker, I should be comfortable with unknown terrain. I suppose I am, as long as I know the way home. I would have to leave my comfortable home in Oceanside to be a Park Ranger in any National Park, as Joshua Tree is probably the closest and yet still 2 hours away. But I don't believe it is my address that holds me back.
Why do we dream of things? I have asked many people what their dream jobs are, and the vast majority are not doing them. Some people are. Working for the Red Cross, being a financial advisor, DJ'ing, teaching, nursing, staying at home to raise children, and those who work at their children's school. These are some people that are doing their dream job. Why am I not? What makes these people different from me? Is it easier to become a teacher than a Park Ranger? I doubt it.
I took my first steps today. I e-mailed the Career Center at Mira Costa College for some guidance on the courses necessary to become a Park Ranger. I also checked out the Red Cross classes to get Wilderness and First Response certified for first-aid and CPR (these would be helpful no matter what).
These steps are easy baby steps, but at least it's a start. Writing this blog is also a baby step. Helping me to voice my concerns and questions. My next steps are bigger: taking classes and sending off resume's and inquiries. Giant steps like moving and starting from scratch may come. Each journey begins with the first. It's a dangerous business stepping out on the road. If you don't keep your feet, you never know where you'll be swept off to.
I hope that I will overcome this fear as I have overcome my fear of heights and darkness. With faith in God and the support of my husband, I can do anythng. Including becoming a Park Ranger. Start looking for me leading back country hikes. Maybe I'll see you there

I love Ramen

Why is Ramen so good? I love it. I have always loved it. Despite my love for this sodium soaked pasta delight, I will not pay more than $0.10 cents per pack, or 10 for $1 dollar. I will not buy Ramen at it's not sale price of $0.14 cents. I will wait until it goes on sale.
Perhaps it is the thriftiness that was forced upon me when I was a child. My family never had money and we moved alot, so Ramen was a staple in our home. When I moved out on my own and realized how expensive rent is (my parents did a good job at keeping us from being homeless), I sustained myself on Ramen.
I cook Ramen with the noodles intact, I do not break them. I boil the noodles until they are soft, drain out almost all the water, then add the spice packet. I have recently taken up adding frozen mixed vegetables (no lima beans) and a bit of Italian Dressing. I cook the veggies in with the noodles in the water. If I use Italian Dressing, I will not use the entire spice packet as it is too strong.
When I first lived on my own, I was poorer than I could comprehend. Friends and family gave my their change jars to live on. This turned out quite well for me actually. There's more money than you think in your change jar, and people don't look at it like a loan, because the amount is not set. My gramma gave me two big pickel jars full of change, ended up being about $400 bucks!! I was helping them move and she shoved the jars in my arms and said "Go put these in you car and don't tell grampa!" Gramma's Rock!
I have gotten very creative with my Ramen. I can make some good Ramen spaghetti. One small can of tomota sauce, some of those $0.99 cent spices that come in bags (garlic, oregano & basil) and one Ramen packet (leave out the spice packet for future use).
When people see me eating Ramen, they alwasy say the same things : Oh, I used to eat Ramen when I was... a kid; in college; my first apartment; in high school, etc, etc. Always in the past, never in the present. Like Ramen is some sort of stage you grow out of. Maybe I never grew out of it. But today, 28 years old with a mortgage, a business and an SUV, I still eat Ramen on a regualr basis. What does that say about me? I don't know if I care what is says about me. I like Ramen, Ramen is good, Ramen is my friend. Ramen Forever!!!
How do you like your Ramen?


It's raining here in sunny San Diego. I love it. I don't necessarily like being cold and wet, but I love the sound of the rain, the way it clears the air. The scent of a storm coming and the way the air feels just before the rain comes.
It's amazing to watch the sky ripple and sway as the wind arranges the clouds to her liking. Deep purples, dark grays color across the horizon, I see the sheet of water coming in over the dark blue ocean. The water grows colder, darker and harder.
Waves crashing menacingly as they run from the coming onslaught. Trees shiver and quake in exciting anticipation of the renewal that comes with the rushing wind, roots lusting for the droplets of life. Sand and soil open their mouths to drink in the water, storing it deep in the bowels of the earth.
Some animals hide in their burrows, anxious for the storm to pass. Others revel in the downpour, absorbing life and dancing with the clouds.
As the torrent pours forth it's wrath, the earth welcomes and envelops it with open arms. Wind twists and turns through buildings, trees, and people. Rocks believe they stand firm and the innocent droplets steal tiny pieces of them, carrying their treasure to unknown locals.
One drop gathers it's strength in the dark gray cloud and plunges toward the earth with full intent. Does it carry life or death?
Were it to land among the leaves of an oak tree, slowly making it's way to the roots, it would bring life. Were it to add it's strength to the growing collection behind the weakening levy, it would bring death and destruction.
If this tiny drop were to strike it's force upon the mountainside, it would carry a slice of the mountain itself to far off places, down streams to riverbeds over waterfalls and rapids to the large delta where fresh and salt clash in torrents of brackish mist.
If that simple drop were to fall softly on my warm tongue, I would taste the joy of the rain, feel the love God has for me and know that I am alive.
I love the rain.

Leading Me Carefully Down

2 Ne. 28: 21
"And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell."

When the liar cannot get to us with the big things, he gets to us with the little ones. He gets to us through small cracks we have chosen to forget, or grains of memory we have calloused over. He lies to us, by telling us that we do not deserve what we have. That we are not worthy of the people in our lives. That we are bad and dirty because of our past choices and mistakes. He lies to us, because he cannot tell us the truth. There is no truth in him.
We not only deserve all the things we have, our Father will pour out more on us each day. So much that we cannot hold it all. Our cups runneth over. We are worthy of the people in our lives. They are not perfect either, and we need each other to get through this life. We can and must help each other to reach our full potential.
There has only been one person who lived on this earth that did not sin, his name is Jesus Christ. We have all done bad things and have felt dirty. Yet, through the Atonement of Christ and the blessing of baptism, we can repent of our past and be made clean. Every day we can recommit ourselves to do the best we can.
Yes, we will stumble and fall. Yes, we will make mistakes and sin. Yes, we will have unclean thoughts and feelings toward others. But we choose whether or not to dwell on those thoughts, feelings and actions. Or to nip them in the bud and choose to see ourselves as our Father in Heaven sees us, his beautiful child.
The liar has to know us in order to lead us carefully down. If he can't us with the big things, he must study us to see where the cracks in our armor are. Where those hidden memories linger. He must then carefully and slowly enter in.
Like slinking through a barely open door. First he just peeks through the crack to see what's inside. One memory we're not sure if we want to let go of. Then he slips one toe in to see if we will slam it shut. We dwell on that memory while driving or before we fall asleep. If we do not shut the door, he sneaks in another toe. We elaborate on that memory and remember how it felt. Then part of his foot, then his whole foot. We think about the people involved in our hidden memory and wonder what they're doing. He waits.
Did we notice him coming in? We think about finding our old friend. No, we did not notice his sneaking, in comes his ankle and part of a leg. Now it's much harder to close the door. He's working on our old friend as well, maybe a chance run-in. His knee and thigh push the door wider open. He is almost inside. We start to look at our life today and it doesn't seem as fun, as adventurous as we used to be. Now his hand has reached around and grabbed the doorknob.
We start to envy our old life and fantasize about what it could be again. He's halfway through the door, he's looking at us. What does he see? He sees us sitting in a dark room, holding the little hidden memory in our cold hands. Does it give us light? Does it give us warmth? No. It gives us nothing but regret and envy. He stands in the doorway. We start to wonder. He takes a step inside. Why are we thinking about stuff like this? He stops and waits, biding his time.
We have had many opportunities to choose along this path. It is much harder to force him out the door when he is already a step inside. Slamming his toe would have been much easier. What to do now? We know that these thoughts and desires do not lead to anywhere we want to go. What do we do? That's easy, fall to your knees. And shove him out the door, slam it in his face and say "Get behind me Satan, I make no room for you."
God will never leave us alone. He will never look down on us, or turn away from us. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much he sacrificed his first born Son so that we would not have to be sacrificed. We choose everyday how we want to live. How we want others to view us, and how we want to deal with lies. I say, slam the door, lock the deadbolt, slide the chain, put a chair under the knob, get a pitbull and shotgun and don't let that sneaking little liar in. Shoot him in the head and let the dog eat the rest.

I'm not going to let him lead me carefully down anymore.

War In Heaven

"You were in the War in Heaven and one day when you are in the spirit world you will be enthralled with those who you are associated with. You will ask someone in which time period he lived and you might hear, I was with Moses when he parted the Red Sea, or I helped build the pyramids, or I fought with Captain Moroni. And as you are standing there in amazement, someone will turn to you and ask, 'Which prophets time did you live in?' And when you say Gordon B. Hinckley, a hush will fall over every hall, every corridor in heaven and all in attendance will bow at your presence. You were held back six thousand years because you were the most talented, most obedient, most courageous, and most righteous. Are you still? Remember who you are."
-Boyd K. Packer

Big Hair Days or The AquaNet Era

Middle school was the time in my life when big hair was all the rage. With mile-high bangs and wings floating over my ears, I proudly walked the halls of Washington Middle School in the stunning metropolis of Vista, CA.. I was rad! My Guess jeans with the zippers at the ankle and flourescent socks and shirts, dang I was a hot 6th grader! Although my hair was short (tramatic story in a bit), I spent most of my early morning layering on the AquaNet. Many of these layers ended up on my curling iron as well (the aroma of burning hairspray still lingers in my memory). My 6th grade yearbook picture shows me proudly sporting a stunning display of 4 inch high bangs curving majestically in crispy wave of brunette locks. Good times, good times.
The time of year all big hair girls dreaded was the inevitable swim practice we all had to be tortured with. Water and hairspray do not mix, but do leave a sparkling layer of oily residue on the pool surface! Some silly girls tried to swim without getting their hair wet. Inevitably some mean pre-pubescent boy would splash them and their dried AquaNet would repolymerize, completely crashing and reforming their waves of stiff bangs and wings. This is never pretty picture. Screaming young girl in a pool, savagely trying to brush her quickly reforming quaffe out of her face in a vain attempt to safe the drenched locks. Many an hour has been spent in front of the locker room mirrors trying to make themselves presentable to the world again.
Moral of the story: If you need hairspray, you are having a bad hair day and should wear a hat.

Don't Run With Scissors

A bit long, but very entertaining.
It was a sunny Sunday morning and the birds were sweetly chirping. My brothers sloppy mop head and the new Madonna video would soon lead to one of the most traumatic experiences of my short life. Taking one look at my older brothers cowlicks, my mothers scooped us up and deposited my brother and I at Supercuts, taking my Rapunzel Barbie sister with her to the grocery store. I, being an 11-year-old undeveloped tomboy, had no need to further masculinize myself. Yet the powers that be felt differently.
Madonna had just come out with a new video showing her rolling on the floor in a corset and drinking milk out of a bowl like a cat. She was also sporting a blonde bobbed hairdo (Bobbed: chin length in the front, shorter in the back. For those of you not up on the hairdo lingo) I knew this look was for me. Every 11-year tomboy wants to look sexy, they just dont tell anyone.
I sit in the chair of a young bouncy stylist (a beauty school dropout who experiments in psychology). I describe the 'do I'm looking for and she tells me she has seen said Madonna video. She then asks if I want it layered. I had no idea what this meant, but not wanting to look uneducated (remember I was 11) I gave a resounding Yes! To my downfall. Snip, snip, snip. Her scissors begin to cut my shoulder length hair down, or is it up? She keeps cutting. And cutting. And cutting. And cutting. Do you see a pattern here? With every snip of her mutilating scissors, I sunk deeper and deeper into the chair, in a vain attempt to end the massacre. With one final snip the death toll rang.
I mustered up the last of my fragile courage, and with shorn head hanging down, went to my brother to get money to pay the shearing wench. I was on the verge of tears. My brother did not see me (in retrospect, perhaps he simply did not recognize me as his sister. I certainly didnt look it.) The final straw was placed on my camels back. My brothers haircutter said to him, "Oh look, theres your little brother". Im a girl you fat whore!! The tears that had been sitting on the verge broke through the floodgates and streamed down my reddening cheeks. I ran out the door, full force into my mother. She was in shock seeing her daughter crying, screaming, running out the door looking like her son.
Monday morning came much too soon. My mom was sympathetic, though not to the point of allowing me to be home-schooled until my hair grew back. She put me in a dress, curled what little bits of hair she could, let me put on blush and shiny lip-gloss. As feminine as I had been in a very long time. I felt a tiny bit better. They made fun of me on the bus. Children can be painfully cruel. I dove directly from the bus to the girls bathroom at school, locked myself in the farthest stall and refused to come out until my hair was knee length.
The bell rang. Everyone went to class and sat in their little desks. My desk was empty as I was locked in the bathroom crying my eyes out, cursing the beauty school gods. One of my well-meaning friends informed my teacher that I was crying in the bathroom and would not come out. She ran to my rescue. After many promises of protection and much cajoling later, I finally allowed her to escort me into my classroom. Every head turned to stare at me in my pain. The sniggers and pointing started immediately. Pour more salt in my gaping open wounds please. That'd be great. Thanks. Looking back, they were probably laughing at me because they had never seen me in a dress before, but in my mind I only saw boy hair! I have never again cut my hair that short, and never will. Even when I am an old member of the silver fox club, I will have long silver fox hair and will put it up in a bun.

Moral of the story: It takes a lifetime to get over the scars of our youth. Don't torture kids. They'll blog about you later.

Roller Rinks and Tailbones

At one point in my life, I would have said that I was a pretty good rollerskater. On 8 wheels I would do little tricks like jump off curbs and roll along backwards. Then I grew up and realized that falling down hurts and scabs were no longer cool. Having not been on rollerskates since elementary school, I was excited to go to Ups and Downs Roller Rink (suitable name) with friends from church. The time frame is about 6 1/2 years ago and many years after elementary school and my days of daring tricks.
As I laced up the rented white four wheelers, I got that wonderful sense of reminisce, and remembered my brave tricks of old. I thought, no problem, I'm not an old lady, I'll fly on these! Woe to me. I looked about at coordinated as any other spindley legged walrus on butter coated ballbearings could look. It was not a pretty sight. I was slow. Children were flying past me like and I was an old lady in the slow lane. The guy I was "dating" at the time ( a cute blonde Marine) brought his rollerblades and showed off for everyone to envy. As he lapped me for the umpteenth time, he cruised along backwards just to rub it in. I caught up with some girlfriends and we hatched a wonderful plan to play whiptail.
For those of you unfamiliar with this particular fourwheeler game, you all get in a line and hold on to each others waists (or there abouts). The person in front of the line skates as fast as they can in erratic directions, causing the people at the back of the whip to fly around very quickly. All in the name of good clean fun. I, being the slowest skater of the bunch, ended up in the back as they all raced to get in line. I think we were about 6 people deep. I grabbed onto my friend Brittany's (beautiful blonde in my Top Friends) waistband and off we went whipping along. In my memory time both flies by and slows painfully down in the next few moments.
The roller rink blurred by as I tried desperately to cling to Brittany's jeans. I am whipping this way and that as our fearless leader weaves and dodges through the crowd of innocent bystanders. I have no recollection of how many laps we did, but the following incident is very clear and in slow motion. I'll type slowly so you can get the full effect. Picture me, graceful as a drunken monkey, losing all balance and orientation on one last turn. My spidey survival sense tells me to hold on tight so I don't fall down and kill myself. Here's the problem, I am holding on to someone pants who is traveling almost as fast as I am and also trying desperately not to die.
Brittany's spidey survival sense tells her, something is pulling you down, Get it off you!! The problem is that it's me that's pulling her down and I dont want to let go. She attempts to turn around and unlocked my death grip on her jeans. I see the fear in her eyes as we both start crashing to the ground. She has slowed down quite a bit in her turn, I have not. As we collapse in a heap on the concrete hard floor, I hear a gasp of pain emanate from her lips. I know she is hurt and it's all my fault. Bad Emily, no Donut!
She is on her back on the rink floor, using my still forward inertia I launch on top of her and cry out, "Oh My Gosh Brittany Are You OK!?!?" Here's the mental image: Crowded roller rink, many people circling by, two beautiful women with long hair, laying Missionary style of the rink floor grabbing each other and rolling back and forth. We put on quite a show. People stopped and watched, ordering drinks from the passing waitress. We slowly, carefully and painfully make our way off the rink floor, through the crowd of cheering onlookers and onto the carpeted area. Brittany is holding her backside and nearly in tears. Turns out, she broke her tailbone (coccyx for you Med students). I still owe her a donut pillow (and so many other things).
Moral of the story: When youre in trouble, dont drag others down with you. Just let go!!

By Me

Time spent in wonderment and fantasy
Lives lived and passed on
Experiences play out in my mind
As I ponder on you

Questions seep through my veins
When? Ever? How? Will you? Can I?

Trust and forgiveness are fragile and heavy
Bonds unbroken after so many years
And so much hurt

What does it mean?
Signs and connections scream for my attention
I know who sends them

Standing on the brink I fathom the distance
The shoreline pulls and pushes, closer then farther

Miles and time matter not to the heart
Loves flame is never truly extinguished
It waits
Biding its time
Knowing the moment will come

Will I recognize it?
Has it passed?
Opportunities are never lost
They pass on to another

It is others I hope for
Futures I desire to create
Longing in my heart to know that joy

Stabbing pain when kind words are spoken
Standing, barren and fruitless
Penance for the past
Or, perhaps, He knows the time
I will wait for you
-Emily JoAnn

First Impresssions Last Forever!

While we sat in our car waiting for some realtor guy to show up and show us a house we might spend FAR too much money on, another couple and their "on time" realtor showed up to look at the same house. Realtor, wife, husband and daughter walked into the house in that order. 35 seconds later; Wife, realtor (hot on her heels) husband with daughter in tow came storming out of the house, in that order.

Daymon and I look at each other and think the same thing, what's wrong with this house that would make them run from it? We would soon find out. Our realtor guy showed up later and unlocked the front door. I walked in and was stared at. Stared at in a way that only death can stare at you. Stared at in a way that only 10 glass eyes can stare at you. Stared at by 5 mounted DEER HEADS!!!!! I busted out laughing!!

Now, remember, I am from Idaho. Where young boys get rifles at the age of 12 and hunting season is year-round. I have eaten things my father has shot. Many times his skill with a rifle got us through harsh Idaho winters. Seeing mounted deer heads was not foreign to me, in Idaho. I do not now live in Idaho. I live in California, San Diego nonetheless. Not deer country.

I could see nothing in this home that I was supposed to be purveying but the 5-point Bucks that never made it past another winter. 5 deer heads and I hadn't even made it past the living room! After I controlled my fits of laughter we turned to the dining room. Floor to vaulted ceiling sported uncountable antlers and horns mounted proudly on the wall. Oh dear! I would guess 20 more defenseless animals were taken down in the prime of their lives, only to have their head adornments chopped off and put on display in this tract house. My jaw dropped in awe. Or disgust, I don't know.

Above the kitchen pantry was yet another taxidermist specialty. We are at 6 heads now. Moving down the hall we check out the Pepto-Bismol colored bathroom and slide in the Master Bedroom. Displayed proudly above the queen size bed is by far the largest and most prized possession of this homeowner/Bambi's mom killer. I think this head once belonged to the rest of an Elk, a big one. A massive elk. We're talking "total your car" elk here! This proud hunter awoke every morning to stare up the dried nostrils of a dead animal. Oh, what joy!

I am now numb to the death and machismo in this domicile and move on to the next room. A little boys room with a racecar theme, no dead heads here. The last room has a handwritten sign on the door. "Owner has some lizards. Please keep door closed." Now I am not your typical female. I like snakes and bugs and crawly things. I am not scared of them (unless they move too fast or I cannot see them but know they are there). I open the door to the Lizard Room and am confronted with… a 12-FOOT BURMESE PYTHON!!!!! The "I can kill you in one squeeze" shiny green snake turned its 5-inch diamond shaped head toward me, reared up as much as it could in its 100-gallon glass tank and HISSED AT ME!!!!!!

I stared at it. Stared in a way that only someone who is in fear of their lives can stare at a snake that could kill them. I then cursed out loud and stepped into the room! I know, at this point you are thinking, "What are you doing? Get the heck outta there!" I couldn't, I was so enthralled. I had to know what else I would find in this madhouse! And find I did.

As you may or may not know, baby rattlesnakes are among the most dangerous and deadly creatures on the earth. They bite without provocation and they cannot control their venom. When they bite you, they release all of their very potent venom into you. And they do not let go. As I turned from the hissing python monster, I saw another terrarium with a nest of baby rattlers and one big rattler mama! It is illegal in any state to cage indigenous animals. Which means taking a venomous snake that lives in the area naturally and putting it in a fish tank in the bedroom next to your son is wrong. It's just wrong people!!!

Seeing the baby rattlers put much more fear into me. I did not know how much fear I had left, I soon learned. I turned again and saw a 6-foot Monitor Lizard swishing and hissing from his murky water tub! Monitor lizards are carnivores, like alligators and crocodiles. They have large, sharp teeth and claws to catch fish and small animals and rip them to shreds. This monitor lizard was not in a cage, or tank. It was swishing its 3-foot long tale in a pool of dirty water while sitting in Rubbermaid bin. I wondered how many times the massive carnivore cruised the house, looking for new prey. Now I truly understood fear.

The last tank held bearded dragons and Gila monsters, also indigenous, but not nearly as nasty as their neighbors. As I backed out of this near death experience room, the python monster hissed at me again, and watched me as I moved toward the door. I closed the door and saw the small handwritten sign again. "Owner has some lizards. Please keep door closed." Lizards huh? LIZARDS!! The sign should have more accurately read, "Owner has a death wish and is keeping his impending doom behind this door. Enter at your own risk! I'm warning you!!"

Needless to say, we bought that house. We got a great deal! He said he had no other offers. Hmm. Wonder why? We had the house fumigated in case any baby rattlers got loose.

Moral of the story: First impressions last forever.
This is a true story. I really do live in this house today. There is a whole other story as to the day we tried to move in. Stay tuned…