While we sat in our car waiting for some realtor guy to show up and show us a house we might spend FAR too much money on, another couple and their "on time" realtor showed up to look at the same house. Realtor, wife, husband and daughter walked into the house in that order. 35 seconds later; Wife, realtor (hot on her heels) husband with daughter in tow came storming out of the house, in that order.
Daymon and I look at each other and think the same thing, what's wrong with this house that would make them run from it? We would soon find out. Our realtor guy showed up later and unlocked the front door. I walked in and was stared at. Stared at in a way that only death can stare at you. Stared at in a way that only 10 glass eyes can stare at you. Stared at by 5 mounted DEER HEADS!!!!! I busted out laughing!!
Now, remember, I am from Idaho. Where young boys get rifles at the age of 12 and hunting season is year-round. I have eaten things my father has shot. Many times his skill with a rifle got us through harsh Idaho winters. Seeing mounted deer heads was not foreign to me, in Idaho. I do not now live in Idaho. I live in California, San Diego nonetheless. Not deer country.
I could see nothing in this home that I was supposed to be purveying but the 5-point Bucks that never made it past another winter. 5 deer heads and I hadn't even made it past the living room! After I controlled my fits of laughter we turned to the dining room. Floor to vaulted ceiling sported uncountable antlers and horns mounted proudly on the wall. Oh dear! I would guess 20 more defenseless animals were taken down in the prime of their lives, only to have their head adornments chopped off and put on display in this tract house. My jaw dropped in awe. Or disgust, I don't know.
Above the kitchen pantry was yet another taxidermist specialty. We are at 6 heads now. Moving down the hall we check out the Pepto-Bismol colored bathroom and slide in the Master Bedroom. Displayed proudly above the queen size bed is by far the largest and most prized possession of this homeowner/Bambi's mom killer. I think this head once belonged to the rest of an Elk, a big one. A massive elk. We're talking "total your car" elk here! This proud hunter awoke every morning to stare up the dried nostrils of a dead animal. Oh, what joy!
I am now numb to the death and machismo in this domicile and move on to the next room. A little boys room with a racecar theme, no dead heads here. The last room has a handwritten sign on the door. "Owner has some lizards. Please keep door closed." Now I am not your typical female. I like snakes and bugs and crawly things. I am not scared of them (unless they move too fast or I cannot see them but know they are there). I open the door to the Lizard Room and am confronted with… a 12-FOOT BURMESE PYTHON!!!!! The "I can kill you in one squeeze" shiny green snake turned its 5-inch diamond shaped head toward me, reared up as much as it could in its 100-gallon glass tank and HISSED AT ME!!!!!!
I stared at it. Stared in a way that only someone who is in fear of their lives can stare at a snake that could kill them. I then cursed out loud and stepped into the room! I know, at this point you are thinking, "What are you doing? Get the heck outta there!" I couldn't, I was so enthralled. I had to know what else I would find in this madhouse! And find I did.
As you may or may not know, baby rattlesnakes are among the most dangerous and deadly creatures on the earth. They bite without provocation and they cannot control their venom. When they bite you, they release all of their very potent venom into you. And they do not let go. As I turned from the hissing python monster, I saw another terrarium with a nest of baby rattlers and one big rattler mama! It is illegal in any state to cage indigenous animals. Which means taking a venomous snake that lives in the area naturally and putting it in a fish tank in the bedroom next to your son is wrong. It's just wrong people!!!
Seeing the baby rattlers put much more fear into me. I did not know how much fear I had left, I soon learned. I turned again and saw a 6-foot Monitor Lizard swishing and hissing from his murky water tub! Monitor lizards are carnivores, like alligators and crocodiles. They have large, sharp teeth and claws to catch fish and small animals and rip them to shreds. This monitor lizard was not in a cage, or tank. It was swishing its 3-foot long tale in a pool of dirty water while sitting in Rubbermaid bin. I wondered how many times the massive carnivore cruised the house, looking for new prey. Now I truly understood fear.
The last tank held bearded dragons and Gila monsters, also indigenous, but not nearly as nasty as their neighbors. As I backed out of this near death experience room, the python monster hissed at me again, and watched me as I moved toward the door. I closed the door and saw the small handwritten sign again. "Owner has some lizards. Please keep door closed." Lizards huh? LIZARDS!! The sign should have more accurately read, "Owner has a death wish and is keeping his impending doom behind this door. Enter at your own risk! I'm warning you!!"
Needless to say, we bought that house. We got a great deal! He said he had no other offers. Hmm. Wonder why? We had the house fumigated in case any baby rattlers got loose.
Moral of the story: First impressions last forever.
This is a true story. I really do live in this house today. There is a whole other story as to the day we tried to move in. Stay tuned…
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